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I think of life as something like playing a game of cards. It’s a continuous fight to be on top, it tests your endurance, uncovers your desire to win, challenges your discipline and steadfastness. And I have learned that my personality towards the cards I’m dealt, influences the outcome of the game and the lessons I learn during the long and short of it. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” my kindergarten teacher asked genially. This inevitable question first hit me like a water balloon in the face. Why does she want to know? What’s it to her? Suddenly, I saw my life flash before my eyes. I was a flight stewardess, a teacher, and a doctor. What would I be? I felt as though my days of playing hopscotch were over – I had to plan my future. But there face to face with my teacher, I declared, “an airplane!” My teacher stared at me for a long time. I still wonder what was going on through her head. Maybe she thought I’m on a special medication or my parents were free – spirited hippies who taught me I could be whoever (or whatever) I wanted. Then she just smiled and turned back to the class. When I was eight, I loved acting like a grown – up. On some days I’d pretend to be a doctor and my rag dolls would be my patients. On other days, I’d play waitress – cook – and – cashier all rolled into one. I remember getting a “high” from pretending to fry eggs in my plastic frying pan, and ringing up the “cash register” (which was, in fact, just my kiddie typewriter). I thought the idea of being a grown – up was so cool, and just like every other kid, I couldn’t wait to experience the real thing. Years run so fast that it’s just like I’m taking several winks and I’m already starting to begin a new chapter of my life. It’s time for me to marvel with my ego into the realm of the real. It’s about time to face Freud’s reality principle as I journey to a so- called teenage life. You desire a college degree, a passing mark, some goal, which keeps you to go toward a more immediate possibly more pleasant objective. We all sense, therefore, that life is bounded by rules which if followed will create for us other pleasures. (Bischof, 1970) Now out of college and shoved into the real world, I realized that no matter how many times you play “pretend”, or try on my mother’s sexy stilettos, or religiously listen to her words of advice, still nothing or no one else will ever prepare me for growing up. It is something each of us must experience on our own – the joys that come with it like being able to make your own decisions and having a sense of independence, as well as the sorrows that initiate me into the adult world (like failure and discovering who my real friends are). You know what else I’ve learned? Being a grown – up isn’t just about having curfew – less gimmicks, but it’s also about being responsible enough to go home at a good hour. It’s not about the spending power to buy whatever you fancy, nut also practicing restraint and being able to save up for something bigger. Being a grown – up is not just about being older, but also about being old enough to know better. There have been many times in my life when I somehow felt a year wiser, a year stronger – but not necessarily older: When I had to own up to certain things and not put the blame on anyone else (Yes Ma, I was really the one who plugged the microwave oven at 220 socket, I’m sorry). And it’s when I needed to confront a trusted friend who had betrayed me, which was actually my first heartache. That’s why it’s too hard for me to trust anyone else. Little by little I can feel the effects of the so – called moral anxiety. Anxiety is a state of tension, it is a drive like hunger or sex but instead arising from internal tissue conditions. It is produced originally by external causes. When anxiety is aroused, it motivates the person to do something. He may flee from the threatening region, inhibit the dangerous impulse, or obey the voice of the conscience. (Hall, 1970) I’m starting to feel weak and disappointed as feelings of shame, guilt and incompetence rush down through my veins. This weakness I think, will hinder my work as an occupational therapist someday. And I fear the day when I become an adult, because I think the world will surely fall to pieces. When people will look at me, they will evaluate through lenses with suspicion, mistrust and doubt. Moral anxiety is the fear of the conscience. The person with a well – developed superego tends to feel guilty when he does something or even thinks of doing something that is contrary to the moral code by which he has been raised. (Hall, 1970) This is what we feel when the threat comes not from the outer physical world, but from the internalized social world of the superego. But somehow, others don’t know that I’m hard – working, caring and compassionate. I’m an athlete, sister, student and friend. I laugh and cry. I speak out and brood. I love, dislike, and show indifference. I will be the next Nobel Prize winner, best – selling author, life – saving surgeon, president, or beloved teacher. I have lofty dreams and the ambition to make them real. I have the determination and self – discipline to see every goal surpassed. These positive traits, I think, will help me overcome my weakness as an occupational therapist in the future. I perceive myself according to Holland’s General Occupational Themes as an artistic person who “…avoid problems that are highly structured; see themselves as expressive, original, intuitive, creative, introspective, and independent.” (Christiansen, 2004) I’m here in college not just to party and have fun, but also to pull myself one step closer to the destination I desire. One day, one person at a time, I will show those who judge that they are wrong. When I’m an adult, there will be a new collection of disrespectful, reckless, hateful youth. Maybe, just maybe, when I look at them, I will see through the labels and see the promises of a future generation. By now I am simply and proudly myself. As the saying goes, “The things you hate about me are the things that made me true, part of who really I am. So it’s better that you hate me for who I am than like me for being someone who I pretend to be. Right now, I am someone like me. I’m not a whole and complete like some people. There is this huge part of my life that fragments me – gaps all over the place. Sadly, it keeps me from enjoying life and liking the person I wish to become. But someday, somehow, I will smile true and be the “me” I so desperately want to discover. Words cannot describe what it is like to exist in a world that is not my own. I walk around looking and sounding like myself but my thoughts and life no longer belong to me. I’m taking into account Freud’s defense mechanism, which is known as sublimation or the conversion of an unacceptable impulse into a socially acceptable, even productive form. Life is not perfect. But successfully conquering my imperfections, and coming out triumphantly over my problems and all others is what makes life really worth living. When my life was quickly falling out of my hands and reality wasn’t within reach, I felt hopeless. I needed to find a way somehow, someone or something to influence me in a better way by helping me out of the major hole I had dug myself into. And I guess these things serve as a trademark that I’m unique. Everyone has a style of life but no two people develop the same style. (Hall, 1970) To be an effective allied health professional that I hope to become, I motivate myself to use positive thoughts to reaffirm both my conscious and subconscious mind. When the going gets tough, it is even more imperative that I should not forget to practice this. It is easy to fall into a slump, and if I don’t recognize that has happened, it would be easy to enter a downward spiral that will take me out of reach of my success goals. And to be successful, I need to strive for what I want, even when it feels as if I am never going to get there. I have no stock answer to offer about a life – changing experience or a moment of enlightenment, and it is hard for me to give a comprehensive proclamation of who I am, for my identity unfolds more everyday as my experiences grow. Since I’m only 18, life has a lot of unfolding to do. I dislike saying “I am trying to find myself” because my identity is not lost, it just needs more uncovering. Mostly, I like what is unearthed, though this varies depending on how “teenage girlish” I’m feeling. I’m not worried that I don’t know everything about myself. As I get older, I’ll figure it out. Everyday my experience and knowledge increase, and I learn more about myself. Each time I write in my journal what is in my head honestly as I can, another piece of the identity puzzle is revealed. In card games, a lot of people don’t face the prospects of losing very well. This is a matter of rising to the challenge that adversity presents. A big secret of playing cards (and of life) is that much of the skills. What I need to develop to win rely heavily on the personality and attitude I choose to have in times when I’m totally down. Sure, it’s so easy to fold my hand and give up – but I decide not to go through when I do. The tougher road to take is to choose to sink. There are no guarantees that I will always be dealt a winning hand in life; what I can be sure of is that the tougher times can help make winning in my future a greater possibility.